home cumming

Hi Honey I'm home!


Now first of all the crude title, apologies but I couldn't resist my slut revealing herself.


Back again, back home after my flight into the rainforests up north. The plane got in late last night and what a suprise awaited me when I got home. My husband has been thinking. My husband has been planning. My husband called himself Master! Hmm what has he been up to. More on that soon. There is activity afoot tonight and the willing slut is very excited!


I was excited too on the plane trip. I thought about him. I thought absence makes the heart grow fonder...when I arrived I found that absence also makes the cock grow harder :)


I have a lot of catching up and some wonderful comments on my arrival home. Thanks to Pygar and anon on prostitute or whore..more discussion there I think.

Welcome aslo to Wolf and butterfly flip who have visited while I was away.

gallerycarre.com (via tumblr)

the note ... waiting

The following is a story from her view, taken from a framework sent to me by the wizard...


On the park bench, nervous and trembling, she wondered at what she had created for herself. Sitting, waiting as she was told, she tried desperately to concentrate on the book she had brought with her. It was after 1 pm.  Her mind raced as she caught site of her hard nipples through her filmy blouse, from the cold or the excitement of the moment she couldn't tell, maybe both.

Her mind went through the events of the previous night. She had been fucked in the most delicious way by the stranger, right there in the men's room of the romantic restaurant to which her husband had taken her.  She drank more wine than she ought have and hoped her husband had explained away the flush on her cheeks and the brightness in her eyes from the orgasm that had waved through her minutes before, to the wine.

She kicked off her shoes as she walked into the bedroom. Her husband took hold of her wrist firmly and almost growled in her ear, 'You have been a very bad girl. Come here...lay over my lap.'

She was stunned at his assertion but she dare not ask what he meant. Did he know about her transgression? He was usually not so commanding, though sometimes she noticed something different about him, something he seemed to be holding in abeyance. She smelled the spirit on her husbands hot breath as it curled around her ear and travelled across her cheek.

She lay across him, feeling his growing hardness under her as the sting on her bottom became almost unbearable. His fingers slipped inside her, she tried not to think of the strangers cum oozing from her. Cum has a different feel between the fingers than her own juices and she hoped her husbands coarse fingers were not attuned to the difference in the sensation.

Her head slid further into that warm place where she loved to swim. The sting on her bottom seemed to lift and she didn't think anymore if the tiny red blisters that would mark her tomorrow. Her orgasm was building to an almighty roar as he thrust his thumb into her tight arsehole while his first and second digits fucked her and his little finger played roughly with her clit.

He threw her on her back and pulling her to the edge of the bed, scooped her to him as he pushed his hardness into her slick heat. Both the stranger and her husband had used her and the potent mix issued from her with each thrust from her hushand. He had made her cum more times than she can remember when he lowered his mouth to her dripping cunt. She came to his soft warm tongue treating her engorged clit to the excitement it craved.

She lay exhausted, elated, grateful and in love.

As she sat in the park, the afternoon wearing on, she thought back to when her husband had fallen asleep. She had waited. She waited to read the note that she hastily hid in her bag. The note the stranger left of the floor of the restaurant by her chair.

As she pulled the note from her bag she froze at the sound of her husband's voice behind her.

'What's is that, my pet?' he said leaning over her shoulder.

Any protestation or denial seemed futile and she handed the note to him, her eyes down cast. The realisation of her demise flowing through her. He read it aloud to her.

'Be at Viceroy Park at 1:00 pm tomorrow...Wear a see-through white top.. no bra...a skirt...no panties.  Wait for me...benches....keep waiting.  Do not look around.  Bring a book...reading.'

Her mind was swimming. Panic shot through her. She couldn't hear all the words though she tried. She searched her husbands face for his anger, his admonishment. She couldn't see straight. What had she done? She been playing with fire all these months. It started innocently enough, online, a bit of chat, a bit of flirting. The heat had grown in her now though to an unbearable pitch. She would have exploded if not to have met him, had she not done as he said, bent to his will.

'Hmmm, well well,'  the pause was excruciating,  'Do you mind if I join you?' She couldn't read his face at all, making her more anxious than she had ever been in her life.

Now on the park bench she waited. Her husband had walked her there after he supervised her readying herself. She felt the flush of embarrassment when he pulled her blouse from the hanger, the filmiest one she owned. He layed her skirt on her bed, the shortest one in her wardrobe, the one she only wore in private.  He delivered her to the bench. He pushed her to sit by her shoulders, opened her book and placed it in her hands.

"Read... and wait."

He strolled away. She dared not follow him with her gaze and when she did look up a minute later he was nowhere to be seen. She was painfully aware of her bareness under her flimsy clothes. She knew everyone wandering the park saw her, dressed as a slut, with no bra or panties. They knew she was there at the summoning of a stranger and delivered to him by her husband. She wanted to run, to hide. She did not. She could not. She waited, as she was told, her nipples hard and on display and her pussy glistening with expectation.

be careful what you wish for...

My husband surprised me the other night (again! LOL)

He asked me if I wanted to hear his fantasy.

We were at a restaurant, nice food, great wine, NO family.

I looked at him but didn't answer and I just knew there was a glint in my eye.

He relayed his 'fantasy'. A pub, another man, a hotel room, me and him watching...orchestrating. His fantasy involved my mouth and the cock of another man.

When I recovered from my OMG moment, I remained speechless! All these years he has been almost insecure about sharing me with a man. He has always been quite excited about the thought of another woman and me (I understand this is quite a common fantasy for a lot of men) but to share me with another man..well he has always been quite opposed.

To top it all off and to illustrate the 'be careful what you wish for' moment, it began to dawn on me that this was no idle fantasy. It was not a scene that would remain in his imagination. It began to dawn on me that he wanted this to actually happen.

Now it remains with me to recover from the shock of his revelation. All these months of  the drip drip drip approach to my journey with him. Now it seems, confronted with the reality of his permission, something I have always thought I wanted, the OMG in me is bringing with it a not insignificant amount of anxiety, albeit with a little excitement at the possibility. Still, a voice inside me is also calling, 'whoa Nellie!'.

Oh yes! Be careful what you wish for thinks the delicious little whore as she  smacks her lips and bites her bottom lip.

I don't have a collar

I don't have a collar.

Helmut Newton

Last night my husband strapped on my leather wrist restraints and joined them with bright shiny cold metal fasteners.

He brought me to one of my more powerful orgasms. The sort with tears streaming down my face. The sort where my thighs tremble and I become so overwhelmed with love I don't want to ever leave the safety of his embrace.

While I was still in this space he pinned me down, he entered my dripping slickness and came hot and hard inside me. I was in complete and utter slut heaven. My little girl was gone, my slut was wallowing in his attention. Happy as a pig in...

The more extraordinary followed. He usually likes to remove any restraints from my wrists or ankles. He likes the power of release as much, perhaps more, as the power of restraint. Last night he removed the metal fasteners and said, "I think you can leave these on tonight. I think you can sleep in them."

and i did...

Waking this morning, I asked him, "Daddy, can I take these off now, I need to get up. "

"Yes baby girl, you did well."

He reached over and unstrapped them and buckles jangling, he handed them to me to put them in their place.

I don't have a collar...

Last night I had a symbol of such.

Sometimes, just when I think all is lost, he surprises me with what I need.

ranDOMness

Who knows what to write, I have been missing a little while.
I have missed the posts I usually follow.
I have missed my Daddy.
Still needy, still trembling with expectation.
Unexpected delight today..He instructed me from his distance.
I have complied, with delight and reported today's events.
I am exhausted.
I am content.
I am composed.
My delicious little whore has wiggled her arse.

So I have been reading blogs. I love to read blogs. Personal accounts of this shiny world. Some sexy, some down right scary, but always awe inspiring. 

I crave more, my husband and I only play at the edges. I wait for more from him and if it never comes then so be it. I will deal with it somehow. 

I think of an affair to sate my affliction, but I never have. I am not sure why, many reasons I expect.
I am no good at a lie, I have an open and honest face.  Possibly though, and probably more importantly I don't ever want to hurt him and the guilt I feel in deceiving him is acute. 

I still don't understand my loyalty to him when he has cut me so deeply. Some would say I am a fool, as would I have said only a couple of years ago. Its more complicated than that though isn't it? 

Some counselled me, "It's what you can tolerate". I discovered I can tolerate a lot more than I thought I ever would. I don't think I would ever be capable of it..an affair..but boy oh boy, would I love to try! lol! 

in the mean time...

the delicious little whore has wiggled her arse.

he leads

The time: tonight after dinner

via lovedandled

The place: the wine bar

The happening: I sat on the couch and he asked if I was ready to go. The wine had diluted my stress, I felt floaty and didn't care when or where we went...

him: I should get you home.

me: *absent minded* mmmhmmm

him: rising to his feet.

me: distracted, beginning to watch and take notice of a lovely music video on the wall...remained sitting.

him: get up now please ...a stern and I mean it tone and manner.

I flashed a quizzical look at him, surprised and sizing up his meaning..he meant it, he didn't smile, he didn't feel silly, no evidence of that..

I felt my body respond, tremble, my nipples react, my pussy clench...

I picked up my bag and rose to my feet never removing my gaze from his eyes. He took my hand and led me away.

Growing slowly through spank

A weekend away is just what we needed. It was this weekend just passed that my husband became more attached to the art of spanking.

I have been on a low really, losing hope that he will delight in this new world. I was becoming convinced he sees it as another of my 'phases'. In fact I have questioned this myself. I am guilty of being inconstant in some areas of life, usually harmless things like furniture fashion and dress. It's for this reason I don't allow myself to spend huge sums of money on desirable objects. 

On Saturday however he summoned me to him. On the the bed he had layed out some toys that I had earlier packed in haste (and in hope) for our weekend away. Leather wrist and ankle restraints with the dangling, bright, metal hardware, always my favourite. Vibrators (all four in fact)! I had grabbed the vibrator bag with ALL the vibrators. The black leather flogger lay taunting me and also present in the neat line was the book I had been reading. It was an ordinary paperback..but it's title, Shiver, certainly sent one through me. He told me to undress and placing his hand on the back of my neck bent me forward over the end of the bed. I bent, resting my elbows and forearms on the pink duna quilt and admired the ocean view through the huge ceiling to floor window. We had taken a house on the beach and left the semblance of family behind...alone, he began to take advantage.

I was surprised, to say the least, when the first blow landed. It was hard! It was delivered with surety and vigour. It was delivered with my book!! It felt fantastic and propelled me forward almost to lay me outstretched on the bed. The blows continued rhythmically and were surprisingly confident under his hand. I had not felt that level of confidence from him before. I did yelp a bit. He did not start off low and slow, he got right to it. Up and down my bottom with that book. Alternating with his hand which smoothed and soothed over the stinging redness. I turned to look over my shoulder, in awe and saw also how completely aroused he was. "I love this beautiful red glowing skin," he said not looking up from his view of my bottom.

He was experimenting with timings and strength, with position. His blows went for a longer time than he had ever spent. He put my book down eventually and picked up the flogger. What a different sensation that stung my bottom now. I had enjoyed Shiver. It connected with my bottom and sent the force of the blow rippling in waves through my pussy and then my body. Is this perhaps what a paddle feels like...hmmm we will have to invest! The flogger stung, especially on already reddened skin. It was a only a short time before he returned to Shiver. I was thankful, I really have discovered a shape I like. It is only a paperback though...I can't imagine how something harder might feel..but with my husbands delight in the discovery he had made the other day, I hope it won't be long before I find out!

Q&A 3: four little words

Provoked by a correspondent again, I thought more deeply than I had in a while about my relationship with my husband and my life online. I have not up until now, thought very deeply about this issue. About the frisson that exists between the two. My correspondent asked questions about the character of my relationship with my husband. My answers revealed to me that my relationship with my husband was slowly developing into a D/s experience, albeit a fledgling one. Exciting really! He is embracing the Dom in him and we have begun to enjoy our life together again. Realising this, I wondered why then I have continued to search online..though admittedly I am highly sexually charged nearly alllllll the time and he is not available alllll the time! Purely a cheap thrill aspect to my sexuality then? I wonder.

So..with some edit...


You are absolutely right, going backwards seems almost impossible.

I haven't explained myself well enough and your question has made me think quite deeply about what i am doing. In fact I feel quite challenged by your questions (in a good way).

When I say my physical needs are satisfied by my husband I mean just that..our sex is not in the least vanilla and has been moving closer and closer toward D/s over the last few months. This made me think about what you have said and about why I keep searching if these needs are being met by my partner. What is it about other men, dominant men, that excites me so much? My conclusion? I had mentioned earlier to you that my husband doesn't understand fully the mental aspect of D/s for me, though I have been working hard to explain my understanding of it to him.

Then a post from a freedom to submit said it all. I realised he has never said the words to me, 'you belong to me', 'your mine' or something similar. It is that sense of being owned that is lacking in my life with him and ultimately, it is that sense of being owned by him that I want.

I agree that dominance is an internal construct and I would not dream of expecting my husband to do things that for him don't come naturally. However, I owe it to him to explain what I need and give him the time and the room to explore his own desires.

Like a lot of men I would argue, he has had a lifetime of suppressing his natural self, his dominant side. As his partner I have been complicit in demanding he stifle this side of himself. If his dominant self is 'allowed' the space to emerge with me then I am confident it will. In fact, it is emerging. I have just had more time to explore my submissive self than he has allowed his Dom to explore.

I agree with you that D/s sexual acts are somewhat hollow without the experience of control over the mind, but we have had a lot of years of not paying attention to this side of ourselves and now it is a lot like getting to know each other again. Our relationship went through a great upheaval last year and that has given us license to redefine it. So! here we are! Time and lots of communication is what we need. I am also aware that there may come a point when I will have to move outside my relationship if my husband can not give me what I need. For now, I hope not.

Lx

Q&A: My husband and my Sir

I received an email asking me if I would mind answering a few questions about the path I am travelling. After replying that I didn't mind at all, my correspondent asked some daunting questions, which I have not posted here. My responses however, have helped me see the path more clearly than I had seen it previously..a bit of self reflection never goes astray, especially guided self reflection. I have posted my responses here, with the blessing of my correspondent, for my own benefit as I undertake A LOT of deleting of emails..never keeping anything in order to protect the shadows in which I live, and to lose this self reflection right now would be a great shame for me.  


Hello

Life is speeding along at the moment so I apologise for the delay.

Thank you for your questions. I completely understand how my journey and blog can be confusing and murky and I guess it is deliberately so. I have explained that I write it as a bit of a girls diary, a way to express what I need to get out from inside my head. I move very quietly in this new and shiny world I have discovered of TTWD, save for a quiet comment here and there on a post that particularly captures my imagination. No one knows it is there, only the people like yourself who discover it for one reason or another (usually via a comment I leave on a blog).

How I got to this point in my sexuality is quite a story, but to answer your questions. I think hub might be interested in D/s but has never really explored it in the way that some men, such as yourself maybe, take it on and make it very real. What I mean by that is that he has not (i don't think, but all men have secrets), discovered the continuum of D/s from what I see as that light end as expressed by the Daddy / girl dynamic, through to the darker end of the spectrum and the Master / slave dynamic. The deeper black of the Master /slave dynamic is the end of the spectrum that I suspect he knows as this is the most well known in the 'vanilla' world.

Slowly I have tried to explain what I need and desire, as I have discovered it myself. He has responded to that and has enjoyed it, but he sees it as purely sexual play. Truly, I am asking him to change the dynamic of our whole relationship. He has rarely taken the lead in our life together and I guess this is what I need him to do, but this means changing me too, changing the self of me that has always been the capable one, fixing everything and making the waters smooth to navigate.

So, to answer one part of your question, I have not gone outside my marriage to find a Master in reality, physicality. I have not, in honesty, been brave enough to break my agreement of fidelity in that way to my husband, though I have no religious affiliation or beliefs that would prevent that. I have tried connecting with men online only. I have discovered men and their wonderful sexuality only online. I have made a couple of connections online over time but have, for the most part, kept them all overseas, not really trusting myself to leave it online due to the incredible ache uncovered in my own sexuality. Even online this has been at times a great source of guilt as far as being dishonest with my husband.

I think my husband is moving more and more toward the Dom in him the more he realises I have given him 'permission' to do so. Slowly we talk about it  and then I notice he acts on what I have said, he pushes a little further.  The one thing however, I do need from him that he doesn't seem to understand or really get is what I call the 'mind fuck'. That aspect of D/s that plays with my mind and my psychology. The aspect of it that makes me feel small, little, precious, whore-like, used and dominated emotionally as well as physically, but totally cared for and safe..coming to no harm. This is what I get from a connection online. I receive the physicality of sex from my husband in spades, but the mind fuck, the 'tasks', are derived from an online connection.

In answer to your question, do I find it distasteful to have hub use, exploit and objectify me? Not at all. In fact I love it..it gets just that little closer to the 'mind fuck' aspect I talked about. I have led my husband to your blog in an attempt to explain what I need. It is your writing among most and perhaps A Dominant Character, which explain most clearly how I need him to be with me. It is a slow journey and the ache in me is a need that requires satisfaction while I wait for him.

I hope this has answered your questions a little..feel free to ask more questions if you have them. I appreciated you expressing the fact that you have no agenda, sometimes it is difficult to know.

L

my task

so...

I waited until later that night to do what you 'asked', what you expected.

I crawled into bed next to my sleeping husband. My hand slid down over my stomach, tugging slightly on the piercing in my belly button, over my smooth mound and quite nicely onto my little pleasure button moist with the anticipation of cumming in the dark, silently, for you, not for me, not for him.

Round and round, I wished I could have used my little purple buzzy beast, but the noise and activity was sure to wake him and frankly, I was a little tired, so too much leaping about was something that I wanted to avoid.


I became breathless and very aroused quite quickly, my mind drifting to "Seattle" and white hot thoughts of a man, a fantasy I had been playing with for some time now. In an instant you were there with me, standing over me in the dark, watching my slippery cunt, my fingers working for you. I imagined the silence you stood in, smiling slightly, hard as steel, sniffing the air and the drift of my scent to your nostrils, knowing that I was doing what you wanted, what you demanded, while I lay next to my husband, the man I fuck every day.


My toes began to curl, my legs grew taut as every muscle in them clenched bringing me closer to the edge. So very wet as I imagined you there, heard your voice in my head.


Your smooth voice, deep, strong and so bloody sexy. Filled with confidence in every word you say, not sleazy, just sure of every word you utter. That's half the attraction I think, your voice that can take me to those pretty places, with such confidence, like a play rehearsed a million times. You never stumble over those words. You always know what's coming next. You never appear to feel uncomfortable uttering things that belong better to a porn movie than to my everyday life. You are always present, in that moment, as if you exist for that, to be uttering those words across the distance to me, where I exist only to respond to them. It's all very sexy, potent.


As my head played all these thoughts, something unintentional happened. My husband stirred, rolled toward me and found me pleasuring myself for you, though I believe he didn't see you standing over me and he certainly didn't see your hand resting on my belly, palm pressing on my mound, nor your long fingers splayed down to my clit.


His hand moved to my round ample breasts, flicking at my hard nipples. I felt a little disgruntled at first. Pushing him away didn't seem an option as clearly, I was close to coming. I was looking forward to coming. A silent coming somehow builds more energy for my pussy. Energy unable to escape from my mouth is diverted to my pussy, making my orgasm electric. Then afterwards, slight nausea as I try to catch my breath in quiet, controlled, dizzy, chest heaving, bottom tingling. But now with him stirring it was unlikely I was going to be able to get to complete my task and sleep quickly.


His hand moved to squeeze my throat. He pushed his face into my cheeky, his hot breath on my ear. I felt his hard, hot, cock on my thigh. I knew I was going to be fucked. I closed my eyes, I kept you there, your hand round my throat, your hot breath in my ear, your voice telling me to come, your hand sliding around my clit, so close to coming.


A gush and a hurry, his hand squeezing tighter round my throat, (something I love, the shame of admitting that makes my cunt tingle even now - all those things that nice girls are expected to deny exist in themselves), I came, his hand moving over my mouth, 'shhhh' growled in my ear.


Hardly having time to finish my orgasm, your orgasm, to its conclusion, he flipped me onto my stomach, pushed my head into the mattress, thrust my legs apart with his knee and pushed himself inside so forcefully, I let out a cry muffled by the mattress. FUCK!, that was a surprise! His hands on my head holding me down, his forearms pinning me under his full weight on my back. Pulling slowly out and then in again, gaining strength speed and depth. My agitation at him interrupting my 'task' was dissipating, especially as he had chosen the method I most liked (mind you he rarely chooses any other these days; the genie is out of the bottle).


It became quite clear that at that moment I was lost in his need, I was being used, I was there to serve his desire. Objectification...oh my my. I was still breathless, still dizzy, and being fucked in the most deliciously unexpected way. I smiled into the mattress and wondered at your approval, then, the most primal cry came from him and he collapsed into me...pulling my hair away from my neck, soft lips kissing it gently, he rolled off me, cum spilled from my pussy...gathering me in his arms...my thoughts drifting to you..hmm I don't think this is quite what you expected from me... sleep.

finding me in him

How strange I think to myself.
I think i am falling in love again.
I long to see him at the end of the day,
I grieve to see him walk out the door.

The forgiveness is real,
the resentment and hurt is abating.
I love his touch,
I am patient with him,
The irritation with his breath is gone.
The wound is healing,
I am not afraid any longer.
I feel safe in his hands,
I have given myself back to him.

I think I am falling in love with my husband again.
The realisation of this makes me cry.
Like a switch is flicked and I see us again.
The confusion of the last 18 months is receding and clarity is returning.
It feels like I have arrived..like I made it back to him.
My journey, almost over. 
I drifted away from him, pushed myself away, afraid of the hurt, afraid to live the pain again.
He waited. 
I never thought I'd come back, but here I am, loving him again.

A letter to Daddy

                                                                                      

Last night I did as you asked.

I washed and prepared myself in the bathroom. I performed my ritual with creams and oils and put on the bra and panties you gave me permission to buy. This seemed like the right thing to do. He liked the new set very much and as a celebration purchase of my submission to you, it seemed like poetry to me. As I prepared myself my thoughts were with you, of you. Thinking not about him, but about you. I wondered at your intention, why you instructed me to approach my husband like this?

I walked to the lounge room where he was sitting on the computer. The flogger in my right hand hung at my side i could feel lightly brushing against my leg. I walked to him, his eyes all over me and then he saw the flogger. I knelt, handed it to him with both hands and arms out stretched. He took it from me the corners of his mouth turned up. I was excited, nervous, wet, this was a relatively new path. I lay my head on his lap as he pushed the computer away.


"my body is yours to use."


He pulled me up to my knees and held my face between his hands. He spoke quietly, almost inaudibly, "will you submit to me, will you do anything I want with you, without question, without resistance." I was surprised at this, was he playing? He's not Dom...is he?! I nodded in response.


I was thinking of you, thinking that I was doing this for you. I was getting a little confused at the same time. Confused at how easily you could be there with me, about to fuck my husband.


He pulled me up and lay me across his lap on my stomach. His hand circling my bottom, then...a sharp but quite gentle *smack*. It felt very good, tingling between my thighs, almost sensual. I was a little embarrassed by the fact that the lights were on and the windows wide open. We have a lot of windows in the lounge room and all very visible from the road outside. The strikes got harder interspersed with the sweet feeling of his light feathery touch circling on my bottom. mmmm, delicious. As his slaps got harder they eventually made me squeal. It hurt and I struggled to get away, to make it stop.


He pushed me back to my knees and pushed my mouth onto his cock, hard and oozing. Again the lights! the street! He held my hair and pushed me onto his cock so deeply I gagged. I think he likes to make me gag. He pulled me off, a quick breath, then forced me back down. I love cock, love the feeling of it in my mouth and deep in my throat, love the heat and I love the way a man melts under the power of a wet, hot eager mouth, a willing throat. He undid my bra and slipped it off. He found my hard nipple, pinched and twisted. He told me to rub my cunt on his leg "like a dog". The pleasure of this feeling on my clit was equally balanced by the humiliation of humping his leg like a dog.


He was getting more forceful, more excited. He pulled me back by my hair, this always hurts and I was beginning to feel a little wounded,  but nothing to how I would feel later. His other hand went to my throat and releasing my hair he looked me straight in the eyes and slapped my face. The shock in me was undeniable, my eyes were wide, he smiled a little then *slap*, I felt it in my bones, his large heavy hand on my face. Again and again. I winced every time his hand landed on my cheek, I felt my eyes begin to well up.


Picking up the flogger he wrapped it around my neck and pulled me to my feet. He didn't talk to me other than to issue the occasional instruction, "stand up" etc.


He pulled me by my neck to the hallway and then seemed to change his mind, "get on your hands and knees, crawl to the bedroom". The flogger still around my neck, he led me/pulled me to the bedroom. I waited on my hands and knees, I cast my gaze down and saw my breasts hanging. I was immediately caught by a sense of humiliation like I had never felt before and I didn't like! Tears welled in my eyes again and at about the same time I felt the flogger come down hard on my arse. Catching me off guard, I squealed.


He continued to flog my arse for a time, then stood in front of me, pulling me to my knees and onto his cock by my hair. He continued to flog my arse as I sucked him. Every time the flogger came down on my arse I winced and stopped sucking and I discovered that made it come down even faster and harder. Finally, he grabbed my hair and pushing my head down, instructed "lay down". I lay on the floor face down. He seemed to be in possession of an added energy. Everything was speeding up. I was beginning to feel fear, anxiety, and I was certainly feeling humiliated and a little unloved. I reminded myself why I was doing this. I wasn't doing it for him, because he had said the words "submit to me". I was doing it for you, for Daddy.


Now, as I write this, that makes me feel more comforted...last night, it did not, I was a little fearful of him, of his inexperience, but only a little. I felt confident I could make it stop if I really needed to. I hoped I could.


Laying face down I was aware that there were tears on my face, that I was crying...I didn't like this anymore, but I was willing to lay there, to wait while he moved around the room doing something, gathering something..."come here".


He sat on the edge of the bed, vibrator in his hand, I crawled to him, knelt between his legs. He pulled me to him and I began to lick his balls, suck them into my mouth one, two. I found his arsehole and licked (this is not my favourite things but I knew he liked it, I knew he liked me to play with his arse..). He handed me the vibrator, "push it in my arse". I did. "suck my cock"...I did..."you dirty little slut"..I sucked him until he came in my throat. My face was covered in his cum..it was in my hair, oozing out the corners of my mouth.


He flipped me around and began to finger fuck me, he had fingers and thumbs in each of my holes and one on my clit..he fucked me slowly and then hard, he brought me to the edge. His cum on my face and in my hair. He pushed another vibrator into my pussy, your pussy Daddy, wet and dripping and needing to cum, needing reward for my use. He twisted it round and pushed it against my rim...almost instantly I came and came hard. I thought I'd come hard and loudly in the past, but this was another ball game. Wave after wave, I think you must have heard me scream from there Daddy.


He picked me up afterwards and held me until I fell asleep covered in his cum, in my wetness.


I didn't know who this man was until then, until he held me. I didn't know him like this!..He has hit me before with the flogger, he has fucked me hard before, but until last night, I don't think he's ever really used me. I felt disregarded, little, objectified. I felt like shit. and I don't think I liked it...not from him.


I will have my white panties, the ones I bought without your approval clean and ready as you wished. Thank you for your email..I woke this morning aware I didn't have any instruction for today. So I logged on. I am getting a feeling that you won't forget me.


I am your girl x

musings on my direction

The more I read about D/s relationships the more confusing it is for me. I wonder at how I got here, never before online, never having followed my desire. All the reading causes me anxiety, I doubt myself and whether I can follow the path ahead of me.

So I think about what led me here, the answer...my husband. Certainly for years I lived in fantasy, but other than playing the fantasies of being controlled in some way in my mind, I didn't pay too much attention too them. I didn't think I had a burning desire to have those fantasies fulfilled. I was aware though, that I had a heightened sense of enjoyment with some little things. I would get more excited when my husband held me by my wrists during sex. I felt wet, hot and excited when he bent me over and took control, when I relinquished control to him. So I have always been aware of the desire in me but never thought to follow it, to let it blossom until relatively recently.

Last year I discovered my husband had been unfaithful to me with several women. This had not been part of our initial agreement, instead favouring the traditional approach to relationships, that of monogamy and fidelity. Perhaps pie in the sky, but not something that has been untested over the centuries..or so we are led to believe. His infidelity was the result of a very difficult time in our lives where unexpected challenges had distanced us. We weren't having sex and I was trying everything I could to avoid it. Treatment for cancer had left me physically limited. It became uncomfortable and painful to have sex and as I became more and more reticent, I became less able. Radiotherapy had done its worst and I was taking care of the rest. So my husband went elsewhere.

The emotional pain of this revelation cut me to my core and left me shattered. I was in pieces, but it was the rebuilding of my woman that has led me here, to the point where I have a better than ever sex life with my husband exploring all the hidden desires in me and a few that had lain undiscovered in him. I have also connected and communicated with several men online, each of whom bring different things to me, things which I discovered I can't do without and in fact don't want to do without. Each of these men are as dear and important to me equally and though I think it quite strange that I can feel this way about people I have not met or shared any real day to day experience with, there it is. Though I would never admit it to my husband, I'm not ready to be able to let him know he has done me a favour, he has pushed me into the light and woken in me something that has always been there but that I was unable to recognise and follow.

I started chatting, explicitly sexual chat, where I explored all facets of me, of my desire and the desires inside male sexuality. I discovered that I love and adore men and their sexuality. Years of feminist rhetoric have taken their toll on me. I grew in an era where women asserted themselves, they ran the gauntlet of male domination in the workplace and at home and terms such as 'breaking the glass ceiling' while Germain Greer shouted about 'the female eunuch' and told us we could have it all! Well 'ladies'..we can't have it all..not all at the same time! I am not saying feminism didn't and doesn't have its place in our world, but I think some women took it to extremes of black and white, thinking the only way to assert our feminist selves was to emasculate men. This was a powerful narrative for girls like myself growing in the late seventies and emerging as young strong women into the mid-1980's. Maybe I am just too dim to have seen the light, pardon the pun, but I am gobsmacked that it has taken me most of my 45 yrs to run screaming into the light and engage with the hidden joys of maleness, of male sexuality and how much I love it with every fibre of my womanly being. With this discovery begs the question of forgiveness of my husbands decision to move toward infidelity..but that's another discussion and I am very happy to put it aside for now!

During this year of discovery and of a very painful road with my husband, a road that remains in doubt about its direction, certainly on the path it took before, I have been made aware of a desire in me to give myself over to another's control. I don't know where this will lead or where it will end. I doubt my resolve, more often than not, to be able to follow this through to its conclusion, complete devotional submission. I am troubled and anxious with the language. I am at the very early stages of a path that leads to words like ownership, service and submit. These are words that make me pick up sticks and run, hard and fast. The dichotomy is that these words also excite me, my breath becomes shallow and my pulse races when I think about them, read about them and talk about them. I am aware however i will never be here again, at this threshhold of newness, innocence and excitment. I move quietly among the blog writings and musings in admiration and awe. I yearn to have the same. Relationships that appear to bring such contentment to the writer. I want all this and I want my husband too, but like I said he doesn't know about this page and in that there is a sense of freedom of expression here. It is not intended that my husband be included as a central theme here in the future of this journal, but today, simply by way of explanation of my journey to the beginning of my yellow brick road, he is present.

It would almost be better if i didn't read the blogs in here, particularly around D/s and submission, it is almost like putting the cart before the horse...and the future is a big and scary place, filled with the unknown. I am usually very brave in navigating the future..but in this I am a little girl, wanting to move forward but feeling the need for constant reassurance and encouragement to put one step in front of the other! I have begun conversations with one man in particular who is patient with my anxiety, an anxiety borne of a fear of the unknown. He takes my hand and leads me through with kindness, patience and firmness. When I am fearful he wraps me in reassurance and waits. I know he will be rewarded for this, I think he is the One.