Q&A 3: four little words

Provoked by a correspondent again, I thought more deeply than I had in a while about my relationship with my husband and my life online. I have not up until now, thought very deeply about this issue. About the frisson that exists between the two. My correspondent asked questions about the character of my relationship with my husband. My answers revealed to me that my relationship with my husband was slowly developing into a D/s experience, albeit a fledgling one. Exciting really! He is embracing the Dom in him and we have begun to enjoy our life together again. Realising this, I wondered why then I have continued to search online..though admittedly I am highly sexually charged nearly alllllll the time and he is not available alllll the time! Purely a cheap thrill aspect to my sexuality then? I wonder.

So..with some edit...


You are absolutely right, going backwards seems almost impossible.

I haven't explained myself well enough and your question has made me think quite deeply about what i am doing. In fact I feel quite challenged by your questions (in a good way).

When I say my physical needs are satisfied by my husband I mean just that..our sex is not in the least vanilla and has been moving closer and closer toward D/s over the last few months. This made me think about what you have said and about why I keep searching if these needs are being met by my partner. What is it about other men, dominant men, that excites me so much? My conclusion? I had mentioned earlier to you that my husband doesn't understand fully the mental aspect of D/s for me, though I have been working hard to explain my understanding of it to him.

Then a post from a freedom to submit said it all. I realised he has never said the words to me, 'you belong to me', 'your mine' or something similar. It is that sense of being owned that is lacking in my life with him and ultimately, it is that sense of being owned by him that I want.

I agree that dominance is an internal construct and I would not dream of expecting my husband to do things that for him don't come naturally. However, I owe it to him to explain what I need and give him the time and the room to explore his own desires.

Like a lot of men I would argue, he has had a lifetime of suppressing his natural self, his dominant side. As his partner I have been complicit in demanding he stifle this side of himself. If his dominant self is 'allowed' the space to emerge with me then I am confident it will. In fact, it is emerging. I have just had more time to explore my submissive self than he has allowed his Dom to explore.

I agree with you that D/s sexual acts are somewhat hollow without the experience of control over the mind, but we have had a lot of years of not paying attention to this side of ourselves and now it is a lot like getting to know each other again. Our relationship went through a great upheaval last year and that has given us license to redefine it. So! here we are! Time and lots of communication is what we need. I am also aware that there may come a point when I will have to move outside my relationship if my husband can not give me what I need. For now, I hope not.

Lx