intermission

I almost put the brakes on yesterday with local-Dom. He upset me a little, over nothing significant... but this blasted IM! One can't hear inflections in the voice and he showed me we were not meeting in the mind...but then other times....

Anyway I logged off and thought about things over night and in the morning I was willing to give it away. I could feel the frustration and panic growing in me and I was making up stories in my head. I had earlier sent him a message to say I was no longer going to push or drive this in any way. It was all up to him and that I had given him an indication that I wanted to move forward with him a while back, but now I was handing it over to him. "My gift to you," I said. You can tell I was still a bit miffed (irritated).

I need someone to take things away from me...I don't want to be a decision maker anymore, other than to decide to follow, to bend..a little scary but I think I have reached that point with local-Dom.

I keep wondering why I am concerned that we are not completely compatible. He would not be anyone but a passing acquaintance to me in vanilla street. He wouldn't be a best friend. Just a nice enough bloke that you might see at a BBQ occasionally. So I say to myself, "what am I concerned about, I don't want a relationship with this man, I don't want to talk about world politics and philosophy with him (though that level of meeting of the minds does get my blood boiling). I just want this man to control me...hit me, beat me, whip me!"...lol (sick puppy).

I asked to phone him. We talked, it was better and after a long conversation we agreed that we needed to move forward. So I will move forward with him. I believe he will look after me, he is sensitive to the fact that this is my first experience, he says all the right things and one can only trust that when entering into a new world.

I spoke also to non-Dom today, honouring our agreement to keep him informed and in the loop. I said I had been talking to local-Dom and we were trying to find a suitable date to 'meet'. He looked at me and said "I thought 'we' were thinking of such and such a date."  I almost fell over!!! He said it with pure acceptance. I felt I finally had the absolute, no reservations permission I had been seeking. All these years together and I felt like I had finally worked him out! I finally realised that pushing him for answers, acceptance, permission is not the way. Planting small seeds and letting them grow, nurturing them, letting things percolate is the way that he feels less threatened and the way he is able to accept, but oh my is that a challenge to my sense of patience (or impatience more accurately).

Anyway that's it! The stage is set and I am beginning to feel very excited, nervous and ...loved. ha!? How is that possible?  I had earlier said to non-Dom, 'Thank you, for allowing this, I know how hard it is and thank you." Non-Dom replied, "This doesn't mean I don't love you." (I never doubted that).. and I said "..and this doesn't mean I don't love you".

(music up...the theme from Gone With The Wind plays...and the hapless lovers embrace as the screen shows Intermission in big bold letters).

Time for ice-cream and popcorn.

the wand

Sir, I have begun to think about the wand.
It is in my bedside cupboard.

Unused since the day it arrived in the post.

True to my word, obedient to Your instruction, "don't use it," you said.

But I want it, Sir.

I have been thinking to ask you...can I use it?

I want to show you..and me, prove I can be strong, brave.

In weaker moments I think, what the hell..he is not my Sir yet. He has not touched me.

What can He do?

arrrgh!

Sir Please, please can I put it to my pussy, touch my clit, that sensitive purring

button.

Sir Pleeeeasssse!

Please Sir, I need it...I can't wait any longer..Please... Sir.

greedy lil' whore

I have recently found the adventures of sin. A woman, a 'sub-sister' she says who has a husband, a family and a Master (who is not her husband). Her husband appears to know pieces of her sub life. I was inspired by her recent post Basket of Stuff.  A clear and concise picture of the dilemma that faces a lot of sub women. At least that's my impression from what I read in blogs. I don't knowingly know any sub women in my real life.

It got me thinking, not that I ever really need an excuse! Sin's post reminds me how complex this life is. If you are like me, you didn't come to your sub realisation until it was too late. By that I mean that you have committed yourself in marriage or in word to another. You may like me, have a family. You may like me, have experienced all the ups and downs that those vanilla relationships offer though I don't deny that a D/s relationship goes through the same ups and downs. You may like me, be in your 4th decade or more, regretting the time lost while you sat in your vanilla life influence more by feminist rhetoric than your true desire....or maybe not!

I have not, like sin had the opportunity to be in a true long term D/s relationship. I have played around the edges and this is fundamentally unsatisfying. I wish for the freedom to submit that Sin has experienced.

If you have read a few posts back here you will understand that my husband has given me his permission to indulge my needs..though at the moment only online. I will not deny that I went out pretty quickly to play. I am indulging in a guilt-free guilty-pleasure though I have not told my husband...old habits.

I long to one day be in the same position as Sin. Husband, family, and Dom...hopefully visiting in the flesh! But that is the next saga in the story. I am very mindful of what a long road it has been to get his permission...and how easily it might be rescinded if these things don't work out to his satisfaction.

Permission 2 (unrelated to 1)

A development!

My true one..my husband has given me something I thought he never would.

Permission.

One of my fellow bloggers began a path with a Dom man not her husband. I would like to put a link here but my apologies..I am still living in secrecy and to avoid being found out by real life will not include the link this time.

So taken was I with the path she has ventured on I discussed it with my Hub. I told him that I read her blog because she and her husband reminded me of us. She, desperately wanting her husband to be all the Dom she needed and he, not entirely able to be that man. My husband agreed that this was our situation. 

the picnic - Gil Elvgrin

I was fearful, anxious and nervous. I braved his reaction and asked how he would feel about me doing the same, if online only. I asked him for his permission to seek a Dom man, online, who might answer my need.

I had planted the seed. He didn't over react. I asked him to think about it though neither of us knew exactly what it would mean, what it might look like, what boundaries might need to be explored.



Last night he gave me his permission. My heart lept to heights it had no been before. It was like a burden was completely gone. The guilt of talking with Dom men online disappeared. 

I was freed, I was completely in love with him. I felt he was finally taking care of me. I felt his trust in me to hold him gently and not hurt him.

So.. what next? Where to from here? Flying high in the sky, way above the clouds I think I have never felt so easy, so unconcerned. But where to from here? It's all a horizon of possibility, probability and opportunity.

The little inside is giggling happy happy happy.

be careful what you wish for...

My husband surprised me the other night (again! LOL)

He asked me if I wanted to hear his fantasy.

We were at a restaurant, nice food, great wine, NO family.

I looked at him but didn't answer and I just knew there was a glint in my eye.

He relayed his 'fantasy'. A pub, another man, a hotel room, me and him watching...orchestrating. His fantasy involved my mouth and the cock of another man.

When I recovered from my OMG moment, I remained speechless! All these years he has been almost insecure about sharing me with a man. He has always been quite excited about the thought of another woman and me (I understand this is quite a common fantasy for a lot of men) but to share me with another man..well he has always been quite opposed.

To top it all off and to illustrate the 'be careful what you wish for' moment, it began to dawn on me that this was no idle fantasy. It was not a scene that would remain in his imagination. It began to dawn on me that he wanted this to actually happen.

Now it remains with me to recover from the shock of his revelation. All these months of  the drip drip drip approach to my journey with him. Now it seems, confronted with the reality of his permission, something I have always thought I wanted, the OMG in me is bringing with it a not insignificant amount of anxiety, albeit with a little excitement at the possibility. Still, a voice inside me is also calling, 'whoa Nellie!'.

Oh yes! Be careful what you wish for thinks the delicious little whore as she  smacks her lips and bites her bottom lip.

permission

It's a week of surprise and a little bit of wonder.



Gil Elvgren 1956 - no you don't!

I surprised myself today and my husband. I asked him, actually asked him if I could go to the shops tomorrow!

"Which shops?"

"To the pretty lacy frilly things shops to look at a bra and panties"

"Yes you can go,"  pausing for a moment, "Why are you asking me?" he said gently.

My eyes dropped to the floor, I didn't really know, I had never asked for permission before. I had sought his approval, but out of consideration, to make sure I wasn't causing inconvenience the family. I had never expected that I might not be able to do something. There had never been an understanding that he could deny me something...anything. There is not an explicit understanding of that nature now. This time I was asking permission. It was liberating. I feel no guilt leaving the family on a family day because he has given me permission to do so. He has taken that responsibility from me.

I thought for a moment.

"Well you might have had something planned, you might want me with you and...*hesitating*... I wanted to ask your permission."

He smiled softly "That was very considerate, it has pleased me enormously. Yes you may go to the shops tomorrow."