reclaiming His

He opened the door to the small beach shack he had secured for their weekend and she walked  over the threshold.

She gently placed her bag on the bench and reaching down to the hem of her dress pulled it slowly over her bare rounded cheeks and over the nakedness of her exposed breasts as she lifted it over her head. The light filmy material fell from her fingertips to the floor.

She turned to face him, the reflection of the strong sunshine bouncing off the water outside the door warmed her and relaxed her like she hadn't felt in a very long time.

He had enjoyed the unwrapping of his girl. She stood quiet and calm in her demeanor, meeting his gaze with her clear hazel eyes. He had always loved these large almond shaped pools though never so much as when they looked up at him from his groin, her mouth filled with cock.

He moved to the chair by the window taking in the view of the beach and the water. He had chosen a secluded beach and shack. Nobody to bother them for the whole weekend. He had needed to reconnect with his girl and she him. She needed to be stripped bare, exposed and centred in a way that only he could accomplish in this secluded far away setting.

'Kneel.'

She came to him, her ample breasts bouncing slightly with each gentle step. She knelt at his feet looking at him for his next instruction. He picked up  book and began to read. She remained where she was, content. When he had finished his reading he sat her with her back to him, her legs wide and knees bent. He leaned over her exploring her body, rolling her hardened nipples between his thumb and forefinger. His hand slid to her slick pink flesh, his hot breath in her ear, his lips skimming her cheek. Her eyes closed as a sigh escaped her mouth.

He worked her little sensitive button, the palm of his hand pressing her mound. Her pelvis dancing to the pleasure he allowed her. Rocking forward and up into his hand, desperation growing to engulf his finger in the wet heat. He worked her, his teeth sinking into her cheek just to let her know she was still his, no matter how far she drifted.

The heat built in her. The pressure on her button building the pressure in her pelvis. His fingers sliding in side her to relieve her internal ache. He made her remain there through that sensitive part where she felt she could take no more of her clit being pulled and remodelled and she whimpered for relief.

Like some macabre hommage to a film crew art, the sound of the sea crashing to the sand floated on the breeze though the open window as she came to his touch, to his bite, to the pull and pinch on her hard nipple.

Wet, slick, sweat.

She turned to balance on her knees as he stood, his zipper opening to release his hard, hot and she thought, enormous cock. Anticipation made her mouth water as he began to slap her cheek with her reward.

He would make her beg today. He relished the need in her eyes, the desperation in her lips. He knew too well the ache that her need created in her slut pussy.

Source: the Intranet, photographer unknown.

spanked on sunday afternoon

He folded her legs back over her shoulders. He raised his arm and with the flogger travelling behind the forward motion of the stroke she waited only a second for the connection of leather on her already reddened cheeks, on her thighs. The lengths of hard leather connected with her soft pink skin. The slickness growing with each stroke.

She laughed with delight at the sting on her skin.

She felt the relief wash over her.

Her Non-Dom hub had not raised his hand to her in months. Now in the warm afternoon sun of their bedroom he made her hot, wanton and lust filled before he fucked her.

Naked
bedded
Her husbands hand guiding the the leather
thighs,
buttocks,
cunt

harder
stinging
laughing at the deliciousness of the sting.

She could breathe again. Her body propelled forward, her breast bouncing, swaying. Her nipples hard and tortured.

photographer unknown. Sourced from the interweb

need, desire, trust

There is a feeling growing in me that I want and need to give Local D everything of me. There is also a feeling of frustration at my inability to do so. I am just not brave enough to go against what Non-Dom expects and trusts me to do. I am not brave enough to go against what Non-Dom and I have agreed and the terms under which he is allowing me to see D. I am embarrassed to say what I want. But there is a feeling growing in me that D is not getting what he may need from me though he denies this. I have never met such a patient man. So much self-control. I have begged him, in the heat of the moment for things he and I have not agreed upon. I have pushed my face so hard into his groin in absolute unadulterated need, lust and want.

 

He has never even come close to answering my begging. He says it will never happen unless we have revisited our agreement. In that way he exhibits the highest sense of integrity. When I started this journey some three or so years ago, the first thing I thought I learned was about the nature of male sexuality. I embraced it, loved it and finally felt I understood it. I came to the conclusion that men were purely sexual beings. But the one thing I didn't understand is a man's ability of self control. I don't know if all men have this in them, but Local D has always impressed me with his, at least once I came to recognise it. It took me a while to understand this fundamental sense of self control was present in him. I guess I feel in the moment I can safely beg him to do things to me, and I do mean beg, forbidden by our agreement knowing that part of my brain is thinking, 'no no no ...I'm not allowed to do it'. In that moment I feel safe in the knowledge that he is strong enough for both of us, not to cross that line.

I really wish I wasn't a woman who cared about Non-Dom's wishes and I could do these things. I have never been a prude. But when it come to these things, I feel an overwhelmingly dramatic sense of guilt underpinned by my commitment to Non-Dom. I hate that.

 

I read a woman's blog here in blog land. She is amazingly like me. I have read her from her first post. Her career path, her life path: I swear we have been separated at birth. One difference? She does not appear to be having much sex with her hub (I think) and she IS having amazing all-in sex with her Dom she found about 6 months ago. I envy her that.

Non-Dom trusts me. Trust has been a shaky piece of ground over the last few years. We have worked hard to trust each other again. I don't think it will ever be blind trust like I had before, but there is trust again. I love him and as much as there are gaping holes in my fulfilment, the love is the thing that encourages me not to break the trust. I have already skirted the boundary and dipped my toe on the other side. Non-Dom would not approve at all of what I have allowed with Local D.

photographer unknown. Source: Internet

adrift without a D to my s

I have been thinking after a quick read over on Vesta's blog and her post 'home coming'. It occurs to me that with Local D away and I am feeling a little homeless.  A little lost disjointed and disconnected. I am achy and pouty and bloody needy tonight. I feel a sense of displacement. There is no comfortable peace, just the frustration of waiting and wanting for a place to rest. 

The greedy lil girl can't take phone calls easily and Local D's work commitments means he is not readily contactable, although if I text he does text back within a few hours (not terrific when one is seeking permission to cum!). He is in such remote locations that he hasn't even got internet access!! there's my first world problem for today.

Non-Dom asked if Local D had gone away. I nodded and said I was a little stir crazy. I said I was missing the kiss of the flogger, the sting of his hand. To his credit, Non-Dom held me by the throat and kissed me hard..bringing a smile to the girls face and to a some degree bringing me home.

unknown photographer. Source: Internet

patience

 I was very excited to get an email  from within blog land in which my correspondent described how they admired that I found a solution; a way for Non-Dom to accept the presence of a Dom in my life. I do agree, I have been fortunate.  I would be unable to do this in secrecy. The guilt would sap all enjoyment for me. I have never 'cheated' on Non-Dom though seriously at times I could not have been blamed for doing so!

Life is complicated isn't it? We all have needs and desires and it's how we acknowledge them and have them sated that is the real dilemma.

Much of my social world requires that monogamy be held up as a basic pillar. This often doesn't fit well with the desires ordinary people find inside themselves. The trick is to answer them without hurting anyone else.

I have limits determined by my Non-Dom hub. I am not allowed to engage in certain activities with my Dom which makes it hard sometimes. Local D and I met at a time when he had another girl. He was seeking someone to supplement his experience with her as she was away for extended periods of time. So really I was only ever meant to be a stand-in. A body to replace hers when she was unavailable. This suited me. I didn't want any emotional entanglements, and I didn't want to be relied on to be His sub in case it interfered with my relationship with Non-Dom, which is a delicate balance at the best of times.

The limits placed upon me by Non-Dom were agreeable to local D as he had no need for the things that I was asked not to do. Further Non-Dom has always had the right of veto. If he turned around tomorrow and said, "Stop seeing him", I would be bound to stop. In this way Local D and I play together but the level of commitment to each other that I see in other relationships here in blog land is somewhat muted (I think). He views me as his girl outside the room and inside it. The practicalities however of our separate lives and my relationship with Non-Dom mean that sense of belonging is less than it would be if I were able to commit to him completely. I am aware that this would not be for everyone in the all or nothing world view of D/s, but that's where a girl has to take what she can get and what she gets is actually more than she ever dreamed possible.

I see this as a progressive and developing relationship though and as with all boundaries and limitations, I think they will expand and wear down in the fullness of time. I am nothing if not a patient girl.

via ruero.com, photographer pictured ;)

 

 

need

I really don't even know where to start or if I should.
The things I did. The things I allowed and the things I wanted.
I want too much.
I want beyond the limits place on me by both me and Non-Dom.

photographer unknown. Source: Internet

the night before

Waking early, even before light she surveyed the night before. She had been his last night. Cementing their love in their own world.

Leather shackles lay on the floor next to the patent black peep toe heels with cherry detail and red soles. The flogger is draped on the chair over which she bent to receive his will. The magic buzzy wand cast off and lay where it landed after she had cum and he had fucked her where she lay. Fishnet crotchless and bottomless stockings gently lay next to the red cotton twill striped corset. The corset had arrived in the post two days earlier and was approved in the previous night's proceedings.

She drifted down the hall to the living area aware that her body ached from the treatment it had been subjected to in the night. In the kitchen empty green lipped pacific oyster shells lay on the bench next to a nearly finished bottle of French champagne. She had sipped at her vintage pink glass with peacock detail while her cunt pressed down astride his trousered leg. He could feel the heat from her cunt reach boiling as he took her mouth and her nipples into his own mouth. She remembered with delight slipping to her knees and releasing his cock with her eager hands. Her hot hungry mouth found his hardness taking him into her throat. She loved the sound of his moan as she sucked and twirled her tongue finding that sensitive place just under the head of his glans. Saliva pooled at the corners of her mouth, his fist twisted in her hair, her eyes watered as he began to fuck her mouth. She loved it when he took control and fucked her like this. She met his gaze as he thrust more deeply into her throat. Her gag relaxing to let him in.

The candles had burned down, the wax cooling on the table top and she wondered if he had thought to use some of that wax for a purpose other than ambient lighting. The windows in the living room had remained open and she enjoyed the memory of dancing for him in the window, just to show the neighbours what was his.

She sighed with satisfaction as she gathered the memories of the night before and stored them away for another time.

Andrew Lucas: sourced from the interweb

a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage

...so Shakespear says...

I throw around a lot of characters. It's a deliberate act designed to obscure whats really going on. Partly I guess because this blog was never started to find an audience but as a journal for me. Somewhere I could keep my secrets and live in anonymity without the risk of ever being found out.

Since I started though, I am aware that there are people who read my journey and appear to read regularly, not thousands but enough that I feel want to lay out the cast a little more clearly. There are people now also with whom I converse if we happen to pass each other in certain IM applications (you know who you are). They are people I admire for the words and stories they write. Truth be told it is all those people who belong here, not me. This is just a journal. I am a visual artist more than an artist of the written word. In the vanilla world I express myself with pictures of one kind or another. So why not a picture blog or tumblr? Well, we come back to the journal. The need for me to record my journey of secrets in words. Not Tumblr because my pictures are my own, and to retain some sort of intellectual property rights over ones creativity, tumblr is not the way to share. So I post on the Internet but in a vanilla picture 'sharing' site. One or two of my pictures have been sucked into tumblr and pinterest, but on the whole not too many have vanished.

So here is the cast as it stands,

Non-Dom (respectfully) - My partner of about 15 years. We have tried D/s together but it was clear early on that the exploration I needed to pursue was not for him. After long and protracted negotiations, non-Dom gave his permission for me to seek a Dominant male outside our relationship. This is not something he would normally do and there are boundaries that must be observed. For the moment I am happily complying with these limits but life has a funny habit of changing a girl and I am aware that this may not always be the case. Part of his decision turns him on, the other part disturbs him. He fears that I will fall in love with a Dominant man and leave for the greener grass. I will do everything in my power to prevent this from happening because as we all know the greener grass is always astro-turf and that would be the ultimate betrayal don't you think?

Marvellous Mentor (Daddy) - geographically distant and chronologically my senior MM or Daddy has been part of this journey for a around a year now. Truth be told I'm not really sure when I received his email first. He was an open man sending me an open email. I remember it being so open that I was concerned for this privacy. What if I was someone who could not be trusted? I took it as a naivety on his part, but I don't think so, I think he is just a trusting man and can 'read' a lot into a person by what they write. I think he had been reading my blog for a while before he sent me an email. We emailed a lot and I opened up to him in the most extraordinary of ways. he began to mentor me. To guide me and support me albeit from a great distance. He was so open with his life that it became clear very early on that we had a huge number of parallels in our lives. He had contacted me at a time in my life when I was struggling emotionally, psychologically, physically, in fact in every way imaginable. He was a welcome relief in the daily struggle that my life was then. I was always aware too how easily he trusted me with who he was and what his life was. He is an amazing man and I am grateful that he chose to stick with me that way he did. He is the one who can be credited with finding a lot of the pictures here on this blog. He always seems to know where I am and what I am thinking.

Local D (Mister) - well here is the new-comer to the group. He is the local man I have found to explore TTWD with. I have secrets from him. I trust him with my safety but not yet my secrets. We had talked for months before we met and we have just begun to play physically. A mind blowing moment in my journey. So He is the one I thought I would never find let alone be brave enough to be with offline and into the real world.

How is non-Dom coping? Well in short, the first encounter with Local D was not good for us (non-Dom and me). Non-Dom found the marks on my breasts confronting. More bloody negotiation! In reality this is a journey that we are both taking. A man who will let his wife explore with other men something that he won't, can't or for what even reason give her, is not to be sneezed at or discredited. To me this is one of the bravest and kindest acts of any man. II am not such a good and selfless person, I could not do the same for him.

intermission

I almost put the brakes on yesterday with local-Dom. He upset me a little, over nothing significant... but this blasted IM! One can't hear inflections in the voice and he showed me we were not meeting in the mind...but then other times....

Anyway I logged off and thought about things over night and in the morning I was willing to give it away. I could feel the frustration and panic growing in me and I was making up stories in my head. I had earlier sent him a message to say I was no longer going to push or drive this in any way. It was all up to him and that I had given him an indication that I wanted to move forward with him a while back, but now I was handing it over to him. "My gift to you," I said. You can tell I was still a bit miffed (irritated).

I need someone to take things away from me...I don't want to be a decision maker anymore, other than to decide to follow, to bend..a little scary but I think I have reached that point with local-Dom.

I keep wondering why I am concerned that we are not completely compatible. He would not be anyone but a passing acquaintance to me in vanilla street. He wouldn't be a best friend. Just a nice enough bloke that you might see at a BBQ occasionally. So I say to myself, "what am I concerned about, I don't want a relationship with this man, I don't want to talk about world politics and philosophy with him (though that level of meeting of the minds does get my blood boiling). I just want this man to control me...hit me, beat me, whip me!"...lol (sick puppy).

I asked to phone him. We talked, it was better and after a long conversation we agreed that we needed to move forward. So I will move forward with him. I believe he will look after me, he is sensitive to the fact that this is my first experience, he says all the right things and one can only trust that when entering into a new world.

I spoke also to non-Dom today, honouring our agreement to keep him informed and in the loop. I said I had been talking to local-Dom and we were trying to find a suitable date to 'meet'. He looked at me and said "I thought 'we' were thinking of such and such a date."  I almost fell over!!! He said it with pure acceptance. I felt I finally had the absolute, no reservations permission I had been seeking. All these years together and I felt like I had finally worked him out! I finally realised that pushing him for answers, acceptance, permission is not the way. Planting small seeds and letting them grow, nurturing them, letting things percolate is the way that he feels less threatened and the way he is able to accept, but oh my is that a challenge to my sense of patience (or impatience more accurately).

Anyway that's it! The stage is set and I am beginning to feel very excited, nervous and ...loved. ha!? How is that possible?  I had earlier said to non-Dom, 'Thank you, for allowing this, I know how hard it is and thank you." Non-Dom replied, "This doesn't mean I don't love you." (I never doubted that).. and I said "..and this doesn't mean I don't love you".

(music up...the theme from Gone With The Wind plays...and the hapless lovers embrace as the screen shows Intermission in big bold letters).

Time for ice-cream and popcorn.

Sir is not Master

Michael wrote a comment that cut like a hot knife to the core of my dilemma on the last post

Everyone has to find their own balance, but I know my slave/wife Serafina would say this is an example of why an individual can't truly ever serve but a single Dom/Master/Mistress.

When you say that "non-Dom" takes precedence, it should become clear that Sir is a dominant play partner but not truly a Master. By definition, a true Master would always take precedence . . .

At first this comment caused me swoop down, dragging my chin on the ground as the impossibility of what I am searching for sank into my psyche. Michael is very very right and I know it. I have always known it. Somehow I hoped I could experience serving (to use the popular vernacular) a Master-Sir while still honouring my non-Dom.

Nope, can't be done. The best I can hope for is to learn through play. To pretend to serve (that vernacular again). The Master-Sir will be a 'Dominant play partner' nothing more, nothing less. Is this then a reason to risk the happiness of my non-Dom? I broached the subject with non-Dom (who by the way has begun to control the pantie issue with some amount of structure!). On advice from another source (Ty Daddy), I explained to non-Dom that if he was able to really step up, to take the bull by the horns, control the slut by the short and curly's, the delicious little whore would quite possibly not ever feel the need to search for another. His answer surprised me..made me a little hot and again gave me that permission I have courted for a very long time.

'There's something about sending you off to be used, punished by another man who will send you back to me red arsed, that I like...a lot'

I do love it when my non-Dom expresses his kink.

So, I agree 100% with Michael's and Serafina's point. I don't like it but i agree with it. Unfortunately not everyone and I am included amongst this unfortunate lot, has had the luck to find the One who is their significant other AND their Dom/Master/Mistress. Ours is a fate that does not hold with it the perfect conditions to 'truly ever serve but a single Dom/Master/Mistress.'

Bill Brandt: Camden Hill

Master vs Sir

OK a problem has presented itself!
Remember  I asked can a girl serve two Masters?

Well this week the instructions are conflicting.
Sir says 'No panties all week'.
Non-Dom? He has decided to choose my panties all week!

Arrrrgh..of course non-Dom will take precedence. Is there some way Sir will accept this? Arrrrg!

can the delicious little whore have it all?

The girl wants her cake, and a bloody big spoon to eat it!

Let them eat Cake! she cries.

What, you might wonder, is she on about this time? As you may or may not be aware, I have come perilously close to 'playing' with a local Dom man. The stage is set, the lights are on, the audience is seated and hushed...now we wait for the action. Exciting times on the brink wondering when or even whether it will begin in earnest.

But! and here's the thing..the girl is still unsatisfied. Arrrgh! Why she wonders, is she pouting and stamping her foot! Because she still desperately wants this man, the One to be her non-Dom. She fantasises in quiet moments that she might have the luxury of two Dom men. One she loves...and one who might 'hit me, beat me, whip me, make me write bad cheques."

Can the girl have it all?

Can she have two Dom men?.. or three?..or..no now thats just being silly!

Can a dog have two Masters?

Will her non-Dom explore his fledgling Dom and exert control?

Will the new man, the experienced local Dom move to take his control?

This and more to be answered in up coming episodes of the Willing Slut, Apply Within.

photographer unknown

he wants me, he wants me not, he wants me! or Yo-Yo slut

My non-Dom, my loved partner is having trouble with his decision.
Allowing me to seek a Master, Daddy, Sir , Dom outside our relationship was to say the least brave. Some say expressing his love for me.

I went on the journey of discovery. I met a man, a potential Dom. We have been talking for a long while. I am in no rush, frustrated but in no rush. The local man has been patient. Now my non-Dom is struggling. He doesn't say anything but we have been together a long time, I see his struggle. He hasn't said 'stop' though he has the power to do so, but he is not happy.

A dilemma

My non-Dom told me to set up two email accounts, one for him, one for me. A response to me wanting to send him an email. He has never really explored D/s, the writings, the information out there. I wanted to share some sage words from Dom men. He does not have access to this blog and only recently knew of its existence. I admit I find it hard to trust him with my secrets which I can so easily share in anonymity with the blogging world.

So I set up the email addresses. He chose the names. He sent me an email.

Are you ready for the fun and games, my beautiful slut?

Those few words from him could sustain me more than all the chat with all the Dom's in the world.
but we have been near here before...

thrill?

I met the local man today. We had a drink and lunch. You may be pleased to hear that I was very obedient and wore no panties as instructed. After an initial nervousness we were able to talk.

I still need to process things. I am a thinker, a reflector. I examined everything in the most painful detail. I have in the past been accused of thinking toooo much. huh! indignant*
I look at all the possibilities, all the potential outcomes arrrgh..just JUMP L!

At one point he reached over to me and pulled me to him...a kiss on the cheek and a whisper in the ear. I was surprised to notice I wasn't at all nervous (another man's touch), guilty (another man's touch) or feeling awkward (another man's touch). It makes all the difference having my non-Dom's permission. I didn't feel any sexual thrill at his touch either. There was no spark of tense anticipation. It just felt natural. I was a little disappointed at that, but mostly I was pleased. I felt that if there wasn't that girly thrill at a mild touch then somehow that won't threaten my relationship with my non-Dom by putting the temptation of another thrilling man in my path. But is this enough to fill the need in the girl?

The whispered words and kiss on the cheek and his hand on my neck made me feel warm and like I'd done well..(it was in response to something I had done)...the old 'good girl' feeling. This time though it was real, it was tangible, it was immediate. No LDR, no online Dom..but real. I am a needy girl for 'real'.

As I sat thinking oh n this won't work, I don't have that thrill of the physical attraction, I realised that was really not why I needed him. I need him to fill a role. A recreational activity. I admit I feel a bit mercenary about that attitude, but I also think that it may work on that level...maybe not.

Anyway these are just initial thoughts..need to think and process a bit more. Am i being mercinary, desperate? Is the thrill essential outside play? Thinking too much?

unknown photographer