I still need to process things. I am a thinker, a reflector. I examined everything in the most painful detail. I have in the past been accused of thinking toooo much. huh! indignant*
I look at all the possibilities, all the potential outcomes arrrgh..just JUMP L!
At one point he reached over to me and pulled me to him...a kiss on the cheek and a whisper in the ear. I was surprised to notice I wasn't at all nervous (another man's touch), guilty (another man's touch) or feeling awkward (another man's touch). It makes all the difference having my non-Dom's permission. I didn't feel any sexual thrill at his touch either. There was no spark of tense anticipation. It just felt natural. I was a little disappointed at that, but mostly I was pleased. I felt that if there wasn't that girly thrill at a mild touch then somehow that won't threaten my relationship with my non-Dom by putting the temptation of another thrilling man in my path. But is this enough to fill the need in the girl?
The whispered words and kiss on the cheek and his hand on my neck made me feel warm and like I'd done well..(it was in response to something I had done)...the old 'good girl' feeling. This time though it was real, it was tangible, it was immediate. No LDR, no online Dom..but real. I am a needy girl for 'real'.
As I sat thinking oh n this won't work, I don't have that thrill of the physical attraction, I realised that was really not why I needed him. I need him to fill a role. A recreational activity. I admit I feel a bit mercenary about that attitude, but I also think that it may work on that level...maybe not.
Anyway these are just initial thoughts..need to think and process a bit more. Am i being mercinary, desperate? Is the thrill essential outside play? Thinking too much?
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| unknown photographer |
