failed submissive girl (again)

Writing to Daddy, I reflected that secrets are the ultimate submission. The revealing of secrets that is.

I have many secrets, we all do I would argue. In submission the holding of secrets is a theme that doesn't seem easily tolerated. I keep many secrets from Local D. I have fewer secrets from Daddy.  I can honestly say I don't think I hold any secrets from Daddy. Would I give him the passwords to bank accounts?  No, so there are some secrets there but the secrets related just to me, about me, I tell him. Daddy has been patient, gaining my trust over time.

Local D? Secrets upon secrets. Nothing that threatens his well-being or safety, but secrets about me. Revealing everything causes me real and fundemental anxiety. I'm partnered to another and Local D, so called because he lives nearby, has the power to bring down the house of cards; family, career, life, should things go horribly wrong between us and he chose to exercise that power. That fear is at the heart of my secrets.

Until I am able to reveal everything to him in trust without fear or question, I am never going to be able to let go and truly submit to him. Until that moment, it is all only play, inauthentic, fun, genuine for what it is, but inauthentic.




Source Intranet: photographer unknown

am I in trouble Daddy?

I was set a task which I undertook with some to-ing and fro-ing and with some lack of promptness in Daddy's eye's. The trail of email between us ended in a paragraph I sent in an attempt to explain the friction I felt inside. I received his response (in red next to my words). I laughed out loud when I saw the simplicity with which he was able to expose my constant consternation and reframe it as silliness. So with permission:

 

Now am I in trouble over not cumming before the pics? Butt of course

But yes I did do it for your pleasure..because you wanted it..that still confounds and confuses me. How I do that..need to do it..need to do what you ask. Need to do what you are told by ME. I have always been a rule follower Daddy..always. You were told what to do but it got lost in your sea of worry---not allowed---you were told to focus on my pleasure. Is this an extension of that..even when my 40 something year old brain is screaming..age has nothing to do with the need to submit and obey. Noooo this is not sensible, this is not 'nice'..of course it is nice to please Daddy--no matter what he demands---- Does that make sense? Cos I can't figure it out! Clarified now young lady? DO WHAT I TELL YOU AND PROMPTLY (NO MATTER HOW MANY CHICKENS ARE AROUND).

The chickens? A constant distraction. Missed appointments because they fly the coup and I need to run through the neighbourhood back yards trying to find them. Missed tasks because one of the girls is broody and I need to find a cure in the form of a fertilised egg from a nearby farm. Daddy's reference to the chooks as distraction made me laugh out loud.



Source via  the Internet: photographer http://lexoweb.com/ 

 

part 2...love submission love ...the response

This is a topic that has provoked some fantastic debate and was clearly close to a lot of people's hearts. Thank you to all of you who have taken part. I thought with the learning's I took from all the comments and some private discussion as well as some deeper thought, I might just round off the topic. In my first post here I pondered whether I must experience love for Him in order to submit truly and more deeply.

There were a couple of issues highlighted in the responses.

1. The capacity to love deeply more than one while that person may not be one's significant other (non-Dom and Local D in my case).
2. The difference in the nature of love. We love differently in different relationships and all are valid, healthy and an experience of honesty to oneself and others.

However my original question, which perhaps was not very well expressed was not really touched on.

I think I am not asking if it is right or wrong to love more than one man (or woman, insert your favoured gender here) and at which point? Rather, in searching for a more perfect submission..in searching for my submission, will any submission I offer only deepen or carry authenticity if I love? Does Love bring the strength to submit? If I never love, never give into these feelings which I have experienced in the moments where he Dominates me (and I want to wrap myself around him in love, like a koala in a high waving eucalyptus tree, face buried in the trunk eyes closed away from the sun), if I never give myself completely in Love, can I ever deliver an authentic overwhelming submission to him? Do I really care if I have another to love? I can answer this last one, I do care though sometimes I feel very mercenary in all this and most decidedly unsubmissive!

There is an issue for me in loving more than one man at once. It would feel like infidelity to me. This is an important boundary not to be crossed for the very real fear that it would hurt non-Dom. If I could get past that, if I could live with real secrets from non-Dom then all would be well! One of my biggest barriers in all this TTWD is my overwhelming sense of guilt that my actions will not honour non-Dom. Loving another man would be crossing the line. I truly agonise over these things...thinking too much. This is the man however with whom I hope to share myself to the end of life.  If I fuck it up there is no recovery, not really. We have survived one such major fuck up, no matter how many years, no matter how much forgiveness, the memory has not faded.

If I let myself love in order to submit, it would be in secret, in a lie to non-Dom. This is not part of our agreement around this episode in our lives. Would I risk this though if it meant a more authentic experience of my submission? An honest experience?

In his comment on the post, Bruce may have come the closest in addressing the relationship between submission and love, calming me in the same moment, when he said,

I like to think of D/s love as occupying that grey area between spousal love, and parent-child love. And it is on a sliding scale in that grey zone. I believe as the trust and submission grow, so too will the scale move. And just as the scale moves, so too can the submission deepen.

In a private conversation, a friend advised to stop thinking and enjoy the moment, enjoy where you are and stop thinking about the future (how did he know I was thinking about tomorrow, wondering if it would be as good as today?..lol).

So would I take the risk and love in order to engage with submission? Maybe...even probably. Or should I wait for the pendulum to swing traversing the sliding scale of grey light between spousal love and parent-child love?...Most probably.  This is the paradigm that fits most closely with who I am and takes the dilemma of choosing to love another man away from me. It is no longer in my control and isn't that the point after all. Submission, in this paradigm is inextricably linked to a love that is comfortable and has its place in the grey light where D/s lives. Funny the wisdom one can find in the strangest of places.

unknown photographer: sourced from the interweb

love submission love

There are so many thoughts speeding through my head.
Yes yes Daddy I think too much...slap!

I have been reading blogs with some very insightful posts. As I search for my submission I feel there is something missing. I read other women's thoughts, other men's thoughts and I wonder if what is missing is love.

I am immersed in play. I love to play but there is no love. I am not free to love. I read blogs that not only border but fall into deep descriptive submissions of hearts and flowers. Submissive women who are free and some not so free, to love. I am not criticising this in any way. In fact I wonder if this is what I really need, not just the freedom to submit but also the freedom to love.

I am lead to ponder the question is true submission grounded in love? Or maybe, like the old chicken and the egg question, is love born of submission? Arrrrrgh! Who knows? I just know that I don't love, I can't love and possibly won't ever be free to love. I have not chosen for love..perhaps then I have chosen for the wrong reason. I am put in mind of one of my favourite characters in one of my favourite books, Gatsby's Daisy made a mockery of his life's work to win her away from her athletic husband when she admitted 'I loved you both.' I would like to be able to love both and though I care..deeply and affectionately, given the choice I would choose the man I love over the man who loves me in the a way I need, with strength and control and the expression of whips, pulleys and bruised skin.

photographer unknown, source : Interweb

lesson learned

I have been to see Local D today..damn I needed that. All the stress and fretfulness has fallen away with the laughter and tears.

I was punished for  a couple of  infractions over the previous two weeks (post to follow). It didn't feel half as bad as the disappointment I caused him and the reason he had decided to punish. I still think he is taking it easy on me. He shows glimpses of things to come but I really believe he thinks the slowly slowly approach is best. I do have a tendency to run and panic if things get a bit overwhelming.

He said we needed to work on my self control. I had induced the big O a couple of times when I was supposed to NOT. It was a surprise to me that he had decided, quite out of the blue, to instruct me not to come. Not to touch myself. Not to wear panties..and did I mention not to touch myself? I was not to come or do any of these things for a week! We have not explored very much outside physical play dates. Truth be told I have kept him at arms length. After our second time in the dark room however, he had decided to reach outside the room into my everyday life.

The first week went almost marvelously, I got to day 6 when I found myself dreaming quite hot and real. I could feel the legs of some unknown woman under my tongue and mouth. I could feel her arse between my teeth. Her nipple brushed my cheek as I put my mouth on hers. HERS! She was apparently a shape shifter and shifted into an anonymous man with razor like whiskers that grazed my soft face. He fucked me hard as I opened wide for him. My cunt pulsing and begging his cock to take me. I was on the edge of cumming when I woke. I tried desperately to get back to sleep. I wanted to cum. Of course it was a futile attempt and as the dream slipped further away my pussy pulsed and ached. My hand traveled to the heat between my thighs, too weak to resist I needed to come. Thinking I'll deal with the consequences tomorrow, cum I did, hard. I slid back into sleep thinking of telling Local D of my infraction but with a smile of satisfaction firmly across my mouth.

I should explain for the record that I have embraced my sexuality in such a way that it is not often long between drinks for me. I cum loud and I cum often and orgasm control is not something with which I have any practical experience.

I reported to Local D the I had failed and told him the circumstances.

'Hmmm. Well I didn't think you would be able to do it. Now you realise there will be consequences. A punishment.'

Yes I realised it.

'To start with you will not cum until the 16th.'

'The 16th! That's over a week away!'

'Yes it is. On the 16th when we meet again, I will decide if you can cum then. There will be other punishments at that time.'

'A week!'

I could feel the panic rising and my world begin to spin. No really, I could. All of a sudden I laid out my life in front of me. This is about the time I am told I think too much. I made the calculations. If he only lets me orgasm once every two weeks, I will only come 26 times a year! I will lose functionality of my come button. I will be wrapped in cobwebs. I will shrivel and die. Yes yes dear reader I am laughing about that now, in fact I have a huge smile across my face just thinking about it. But the screaming panic was growing and I began, quite significantly, to spin out.

I talked to Daddy, Marvellous Mentor and it was clear I wasn't going to get any sympathy there. He displayed the suck it up princess (with love) kind of attitude even going as far as teasing me about not being allowed to come. Eventually I got myself in such a state that I came again, only two days after the first infraction, under very questionable circumstances. I wondered if there was a part of me that wondered what the consequences would be this time? A very big part of me though thought whats the point of this if I can only come 26 time a year!

The consequences were dire. He was disappointed. Very. He withdrew all control.

'Do what you want. You can decide. You can make the decisions. You can come when you like, you can wear panties and choose them.'
I was frankly devastated (the drama queen came out). I felt keenly his rejection. I had disappointed him. The sub girl had struggled with her submission over this issue. I had pushed the boundaries. I had pushed back at him. I had not trusted that he was not going to subdue my sexuality and let me come only 26 times in the year ahead. I had failed in a huge way and put it all at risk. In that moment I realised I wanted his control. I wanted to please him inside and outside the room.

So what did the sub girl do?  She refused to follow his instruction again! She told him that she was not going to wear panties and she was not going to come until the 16th! and there wasn't a thing he could do about it! I think she even said 'so there!'

That week the sub girl didn't come and didn't wear panties (the panties thing is not so hard). He took back control but made it clear that there would be two punishments and as an aside, he postponed the 16th and pushed everything further away to the 20th! Grrr. The sub girl learned a lesson though. She learned she wanted to be right where he had her. She learned not to panic and spin because he was going to look after her. She learned too, not to come until she was told to come.

All this and still she had the time to think about the punishment to come on the 20th.

Photographer-Helmut Newton

relinquishing control

I'm learning about control...giving it up.

I know! A basic pillar to a girl who identifies as submissive. In actual fact I have never been convinced that I am 'submissive' or at least very good at being submissive if indeed I am.

It has become apparent that the two men central to these themes are both convinced I need some work on control...giving it up!

There is so much in these sentences. Feminism might be taking it's last gasp as it slips through my fingers. Maybe not though. I go back to choice..I choose to submit (albeit not very well), fully consistent with feminism and women's 'equal' rights. Neither of these men seek to change my basic human rights through this control. Neither of them seek to change my intellect, my life outside of this sphere that would in any way disadvantage me or my family. To give up control, hand it over, MM explains that I need to simply follow and obey...sigh.

Local D says I over think things. This is not a new concept to me. I have been told this before. I over think things, I fret. I analyse everything from a multifaceted view. The answer I am told is to simply follow. The answer is to simply obey.

Local D asked me to pass a message to the distant MM. In truth this excites me, the pair of them deciding what needs to be done with the kinky lil bitch. I needed to ask MM if he would consent to this (my decision to ask him, a respect I thought for his privacy, respect I thought for his realm of control) and when he said yes I passed him the email. I wasn't clear whether I was supposed to pass email addresses. I am so terribly protective of privacy, theirs as well as mine. So without clear instruction I passed the messages not the email addresses. As I did this I realised that my bid to protect these men and their privacy was an exercise in control. My control.

I have been in control all my life, I am asked now to relinquish control and trust that all will be well, that there will be no harm done. I am having a difficult time with this. I am having difficulty with understanding the way to relinquish my control, not with the desire or need to do it.

property of photographer (unknown)