failed submissive girl (again)

Writing to Daddy, I reflected that secrets are the ultimate submission. The revealing of secrets that is.

I have many secrets, we all do I would argue. In submission the holding of secrets is a theme that doesn't seem easily tolerated. I keep many secrets from Local D. I have fewer secrets from Daddy.  I can honestly say I don't think I hold any secrets from Daddy. Would I give him the passwords to bank accounts?  No, so there are some secrets there but the secrets related just to me, about me, I tell him. Daddy has been patient, gaining my trust over time.

Local D? Secrets upon secrets. Nothing that threatens his well-being or safety, but secrets about me. Revealing everything causes me real and fundemental anxiety. I'm partnered to another and Local D, so called because he lives nearby, has the power to bring down the house of cards; family, career, life, should things go horribly wrong between us and he chose to exercise that power. That fear is at the heart of my secrets.

Until I am able to reveal everything to him in trust without fear or question, I am never going to be able to let go and truly submit to him. Until that moment, it is all only play, inauthentic, fun, genuine for what it is, but inauthentic.




Source Intranet: photographer unknown

A letter he will never read

Do you think we are really meant to be together forever my love? I have loved you and still do, but it hurts. Our relationship is a one way street. I am pushed and pulled always at your whim never knowing where I am. You are selfish but your ego is so quiet that I barely noticed.

My love, you have never stood in my way, except in the things that make me soar. In the things that are essentially me. 
We have lived with little ambition other than to get though the immediate future.
As I get older my love I am seeing these things for which I long.
The ache is too much sometimes.
I ache for the freedom to be who I am. To be the girl you once knew.
There is no room for me in our life anymore.
I want to stop hiding, the shadows are a dark place my love. 
Crouching, hiding in the shadows. My light dimming. Too weak now to hold us, support us, keep us safe.
Waiting for you to see me. To fill me. To hold me, protect me, make my world sure and secure.

A child, bring me home. 

Happiness ebbing away. The tide receding from my touch.
Tiredness overtaking me, stealing my energy, plundering my capacity to be me, to be a mother, partner, friend.


photo: helmut newton