the fraudulent submissive?

Little one, confusion reigns supreme in my head. The shadow of submission always hanging over me but its potential never quite fulfilled. No where near fulfilled I think.

An early developing online encounter takes energy and extra time. I try but something is always missing in me. I need the physicality of his touch but to step outside my real relationship is something I have not been able to do. I find it so terribly difficult to be any other way with my partner and as we did not start in the way of ttwd and it is increasingly hard to explain to him what it is I desire and hope for. He and I had made some sort of commitment together and it is not the way of ttwd. 

I lay in bed and wonder whether this is a passing phase for me. In weak moments I feel insincere and fraudulent. I will submit on my terms. Hmmm, I think perhaps I am not who I wish to be. Perhaps I am too hard on myself though.

My beginnings with an online Dom man are nice, but make me nervous. I want to jump to Z but am truly only ready for A and a bit of B. I need a touch, I need a firm hand. I want his hand on the back of my neck...

My husband can calm me from a tantrum in one move. He places his hand on the back of my neck, he squeezes and in an instant I go quiet. He pulls me into his chest where I melt. All frustrations fall away. My vanilla husband, guides, demands that I am quiet, in that action. It is only a small thing, but in this moment I feel my submission. I can be bellowing like a banshee and in an instant with his hand on my neck and the downward pressure to quiet me, I am calmed and in love.

Deep down though, what I wonder is, am I being fraudulent, am I being authentic in discovering submission, am I being truthful. The distress at these questions is undeniable. Will the Dom man I am beginning to know be able to reveal that for me. Will my submission shift to being on his terms...not mine. It remains plain though, I need his touch.

I wonder if this is a problem to others, reading blogs and thinking "do I really belong here?"